


Going Crazy

by River_of_Dawn



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Imprisonment, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Trans Male Character, Trans Yagami Light, i guess, pun intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27421288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_of_Dawn/pseuds/River_of_Dawn
Summary: Back when L had surveyed his home with all those cameras – 64 in his room alone – how did he know that number? – he had been lucky enough that it had not lasted long enough to force himself to out himself.Sure, L probably already knew. How could he not. It was as simple as looking up Light‘s medical records. And even so, the name Light in itself was most likely weird enough to raise some suspicions. That, coupled with the fact that L was the world’s best detective only allowed one conclusion.Still, it was one thing for L to have that information and another to actually admit it himself.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	Going Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> So, Light is trans and with that come a few issues, especially since he would prefer to go stealth. Combining that with L and his imprisonment... I'm sure you can all figure out that that is not easy.
> 
> This fanfiction deals with that. It gets a bit dark in the middle, so make sure you've read the tags.
> 
> SPOILERS start
> 
> Here's another overview: Light does not remember being Kira, but he does know that his memories have gaps. He is about to have his time of the month, whilst trying to go stealth in a place that makes this impossible. This coupled with dysphoria leads to a panic attack, thoughts of death and dissociation.
> 
> SPOILERS end
> 
> Much of this was based off of my own experiences with being trans-masc, except for the fact that I have never been in such a situation as Light, thankfully. That just can't be good for your mental health.

How was he in this situation?

Yes, his memories told him that he had turned himself in. That he had let L arrest him on suspicions of being Kira. But… he clearly had not thought this through. Whatever memory he could not grasp right now, he wanted to strangle the past Light that hid behind that forgotten memory. Seriously strangle.

Even if doing so, or even expressing the wish to do so would undoubtedly raise his percentage in a way he really would rather avoid.

Back when L had surveyed his home with all those cameras – 64 in his room alone – how did he know that number? – he had been lucky enough that it had not lasted long enough to force himself to out himself.

Sure, L probably already knew. How could he not. It was as simple as looking up Light‘s medical records. And even so, the name Light in itself was most likely weird enough to raise some suspicions. That, coupled with the fact that L was the world’s best detective only allowed one conclusion.

Still, it was one thing for L to have that information and another to actually admit it himself.

Another sharp pain hit him and he doubled over once more, the handcuffs straining awkwardly, but still providing another pain to focus on. It was kind of weird, how a second pain could help dealing with a first one, Light mused, before doubling over once more.

The rough floor was hell on his knees and forehead, both of which were scraping across it, every time Light moved in his current position.

He whimpered slightly, before biting his lip in the hopes that L had not heard his moment of weakness – if there even was such a thing, after weeks of being held in solitary confinement. It was a mystery how he was not insane yet – or maybe he was already insane, but just had not noticed it yet. After all, even insane people could think of themselves as sane.

However, the way his thoughts were this disjointed, scrambled, senseless – he knew he could not just blame it on sleep deprivation or the pain currently holding his body hostage. No, instead he could see the way his mind was slowly falling apart.

It was an unimaginable pain, to know that, but to be unable to do anything, knowing that in order to get help, one would need to give up on the few things that still held his mind together.

As he straightened a bit – the pain had lessened for a moment – he noticed a slight bloodstain on the floor in front of him, where his head had hit the floor.

He was already bleeding.

A hysterical laugh broke out of his throat. His mind was falling apart, he could feel himself going insane and now he was bleeding, but in the wrong places, although there were no right places.

The laughter shook his body and stretched the muscles in his face, to the point where it hurt and he wanted to stop and why could he not stop, as his body moved without control.

Somehow, weirdly detached, the thought floated in his head, like a bubble of air in a whirling sea.

_Is this insanity?_

At that thought he began to laugh even harder, tears mixing in his laugh, tears of pain and anger and frustration.

Soon someone of the task-force would come to fix him.

And he should stop laughing, this was raising his Kira-percentage for sure, after all, Kira was an insane murderer, showing signs of insanity could never help his case, but his body would not obey and it was as if it was not his body, but he was standing at the edge of a cliff, screaming into a starry sky, trying to command the universe.

Why could he not stop?

_Dissociation._

The thought was fleeting, disjointed and clear all at once.

His body shook once more with the force of the doubled pain and not even the strain from the handcuff could help him now.

Everything was swallowing him up and it was getting hard to breath in the confinement of his cell – were the wall getting closer – and around the laughter that was still bubbling up his throat, taking all the oxygen he needed with it.

There were black and white spots dancing in front of his eyes, somehow like glitter and yet so much more dangerous.

Light tried to blink the spots away, but his eyes were wide open and he could not close them and they hurt, he needed to blink, to wet his eyes, they hurt, and they were dry and he was crying.

Bile bubbled up in his throat.

Was he gonna die in that cell?

He dry heaved, heavy breaths stealing all his air and his head hurt and the tears were still streaming down his face and he was still laughing, even as his vocal chords seemed to tear themselves apart.

Light had always prided himself on being a good actor, but this was a complete loss of any and all bodily function he might have otherwise possessed. But now he was just a mere observer, only noticing, not able to do anything. This time he was not the actor standing in front of the crowd on a stage, able to enchant them all, but instead he was sitting in the audience, kept hostage by what was happening, without being able to change it.

 _You’re having a panic attack,_ his mind helpfully told him.

Another chuckle broke free, this one more controlled.

Was there a person in front of him?

Were there voices?

Were there people talking?

Light tried to focus, but the focus swam away from him and he could just hold onto the faint whispers of a voice that was somehow able to part the sea of his troubled thoughts.

Slowly, he began to hear words and was he crouching on the bed, when had he gotten onto the bed and this reminded him of all the gaps in his memories, gaps that might as well be proof that he was Kira and that meant that he was actually insane and –

The voice. The voice. He had to focus on the voice.

What were they saying?

He did not know.

Was he – was he rocking himself? There was a rocking motion keeping him captive, but that was better – more comforting – than the vicious fight of the laughter against his vocal chords.

His throat hurt and he swallowed dryly.

Matsuda was sitting in front of him. No, not sitting, crouching.

He was talking. About Kira? No, not about Kira – about food?

Why would he be talking about food?

But even so, it helped.

Slowly, he could feel his arms and legs again and he blinked away the pain in his eyes and swallowed around the dryness in his throat.

“Light-kun?” Matsuda asked suddenly, and Light turned towards him.

There was a sheen of concern in the man’s eyes and Light was grateful to know that he had not been completely forgotten during the time of his confinement.

“Are you feeling better?”

Light wanted to laugh at that. Was there any chance for a person in his situation to feel better?

Matsuda seemed to realize that, as he scratched the back of his head.

“Um… Is there anything I could do for you?”

_Get me out of here._

The words stayed stuck in his throat.

Slowly, he mimicked drinking out of a glass.

Why could he not speak? He wanted, but his body was refusing to go through with the motions, keeping his lips sealed shut and his vocal chords hush.

But he was too tired to think any more about it, and somehow a glass with water had appeared in front of him – how had he lost all awareness about what was going on? – so he just took that glass to sooth his throat with the water.

“Is there anything else?”

Matsuda was nice, caring. Light appreciated it.

Now… he would have to ask now. If he did not want to wake up surrounded by blood and other things. At least asking for sanitary products was way less awkward than not having asked.

“I...” his voice was rough, scratchy. In a way he liked it. It was deep, if a bit too deep, but it was comforting to hear, even as the word tore at his throat, setting it on fire.

He swallowed another sip and the scratchiness disappeared from his voice, along with a bit of the deep resonance. Did he miss it? Partly, but at least, some of it had stuck, as long as he would keep in mind to talk from his belly and to talk in low tones.

“Could you ask Watari for some hygienic products?” he asked, his face burning as he hid it on his knees. The pain was flaming back up again. “And some pain medication?”

“What do you need that for?” Matsuda asked and Light could only shake his head as an answer. He… he could not say.

“I have alerted Watari,” the scrambled voice of L told him through the speakers hidden in his cell and Light glanced up at one of the cameras in thanks. “Matsuda, you can go now. I believe it’s sufficient to deal with this in a more private setting.”

“Oh?” Matsuda lifted his head in confusion, before seemingly getting that it was some kind of medical issue that Light would rather keep private. “Oh! Okay, I’ll go now. Um… bye, Light!”

The young man hurried out of the cell, the door falling shut behind him. With the clang of the door, Light allowed his eyes to scrunch up in pain again, doubling over once more.

Well, there was at least one good thing in this entire mess of a situation: L knew about it and respected it. That… that was something, at least. The only thing that would be even better would be some painkillers.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, hope you liked it and I hope I managed to keep everyone in character. I wrote this instead of sleeping, whilst sick and in just over half-an-hour, so... I'm not sure about the quality.
> 
> If you do liked it, please consider leaving kudos, comments and bookmarks.
> 
> I will not continue this, even if I do like the idea itself.


End file.
